" . . . and now, dark vice presidential contender . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
His past Saturday was the last game of the T-Ball season. Dave has learned that the most exciting 3 hours in all of sports is 1 inning of T-Ball. Dave shows a photo of his son in his baseball uniform. Good looking boy. And dad sure is proud.

There's a lot of debate about domestic oil drilling, with opponents saying we need to keep pristine areas untouched. We take a look at a few places they want to keep off-limits to drilling.
Art Card: "Pristine Areas That Have Never Been Drilled."
We see a photo of:
-the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Northeastern Alaska.
-Wild Sky Wilderness area in Western Washington.
-Condoleezza Rice in Washington DC.
"Pristine Areas That Have Never Been Drilled."

It's time for something we call, "Jammin' with Larry King."
We see Larry King on his show with Mark Mars of Motley Crue. Larry King is jammin' on a guitar, just the way he remembers that young fella Les Paul doing it. The jowl-shake was all Larry's idea, though.
Dave says he thinks they need to fine tune Larry's prescription. Dave considers Larry King his "canary in the coal mine." Where Larry is headed, Dave fears he may not be too far behind. After looking at Larry jammin' with Motley Crue, Dave says "If you don't have enough sense not to do that, you need to have someone around you who has enough sense not to let you do that."

A man by the name of Thomas Beatie, who is formerly a woman, has been in the news for recently becoming pregnant. He was nice enough to stop by and say hello. Dave welcome's the world's first pregnant man.
Our building engineer George Clarke enters.
DAVE: "Thanks for being here, Mr. Beatie. So, how does if feel to be the world's first pregnant man?"
GEORGE: "Dave, it's George. I've worked here for 15 years. I just wanted to tell you that Mr. Beatie hot held up at Newark Airport, but thanks for embarrassing me in front of thousands of people."
George exits. Sure, it's embarrassing, but the check George will receive in 3 weeks will be well worth it.

Dave learned a very valuable lesson this T-Ball season. A woman approached him at a game and said, "Does your son have his own helmet?"
Dave answered, "No."
Woman: "You should get him one."
Dave: "Why?"
Woman: "Head lice."
Can't people just enjoy a baseball game without being worried about the hygiene of it all? I'd rather not worry about head lice and maybe get it then be overly concerned about it and maybe get it anyway.

"Great Moments in Presidential Speeches"
Bush: "They they th th th they they. . . . "

ACT 2:
SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The International Falls Daily Journal (International Falls, Minnesota): A great deal at Wal-Mart: "Phillips 32-inch LCD HDTV -- $699.97; was $199.83."
(Better get it now before it goes up to a thousand)
-The Northwood Press (Nevis, Minnesota): "A caller from Hubbard Township reported receiving a strange phone call from Canada.
-The Sullivan Independent News (Sullivan, Missouri): Headline - "Storm damage caused by weather"
-The Delaware County Daily Times (Primos, Pennsylvania): A local church advertisement: "Men and young men, don't miss this Friday night service. Learn how to 'Keep It In Your Pants!'"
-The Times Leader (Wilkes-Barre Pennsylvania): "Andrew R. Tostevin was found hanging upside down from a tree. Tostevin told officers that the tree attacked him. Police said Tostevin was heavily intoxicated." (I liked this one. It sounded like something I would do and say when I was in college.)
-The Macoupin & Montgomery County Journal (Hillsboro, Illinois): A local business called, "Master Bait and Tackle."
-The News & Record (Greensboro, North Carolina): "Found: Deceased male cat. Very healthy."

ACT 3:
WILL SMITH
Dave marvels at the strong and healthy appearance of Will Smith: "Every time I see you, you look better and better." Dave and Will then exchange kisses. Wow! Who knew that's all it took to get Will Smith to kiss you? Will exclaims, "Once black, you never go back!" I guess we'll have to see if that's true the next time Tom Hanks or John Travolta or George Clooney or some other big-time star comes back on the show.
The fit Smith turns 40 on September 25th. Half a lifetime ago, Will was doing the Fresh Prince.
Recently, my girls would not go to sleep until they heard the opening theme to "Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire." And if they were good, I'd let them stay up to watch the episode. Actually, it was more of a case of my having the energy to make them go to bed or not.
Will has been doing a lot of traveling lately promoting his film, "Hancock." He loved Moscow and says it is nothing like we may have pictured the city and its people in the past. Today, it is beautiful, and so are the women.
And what does Will plan on doing after he's promoting "Hancock"? Will says his wife Jada is putting him on a 5-month vacation. And what does he plan to do during those 5 months? Will says he and his wife will be having lots and lots of sex. Wow. Now that's what I call a great travel agent.
Will's daughter, Willow, has a role in the new film, "Kit Kittredge: An American Doll," which opens nationwide the same days as Will's "Hancock." I hope Will isn't counting on "Hancock" to dominate the 5-12 year-old female demographic. I'm sure "Hancock" will do just fine overall, but I'm afraid Kit will beat Hancock like a rug when it comes to the young girls.
"Hancock" - sure to be a blockbuster - opens July 2nd. Dave calls it "action-packed and laugh out loud funny."

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Charlize Theron; Richard Belzer; and musical group Motley Crue. The Late Show, now with three kinds of flakes and honey oat clusters! We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
ALAN KALTER'S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW
DAVE: "It's time once again for 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.'"
Art card; music from Paul.
ALAN: (not happy; speaking to Dave): "Need a cigarette, Dave?"
DAVE: "No, I don't want a cigarette. What are you talking about?"
ALAN: "Well, I just assumed you needed a smoke since you just screwed me like a one-legged whore."
DAVE: "Alan, I don't know what you're talking about."
ALAN: (mocking) "I don't know what you're talking about, Alan. Can the sewage, Tonto. You knew I worked my butt off to book this week's guest for 'Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.' Here, let me introduce him. Mr. Will Smith."
(camera widens to reveal Will Smith sitting beside Alan. Audience applauds) ALAN: "BY the way, Dave, did you shave this morning?"
DAVE: "Yes."
ALAN: "Well, that must've made it a lot more comfortable for Will's ass, seeing as you've been kissing it for the past 20 minutes. Ooooh, Will, you're so funny! Oooh, Will, can we hold hands? Felt like I was watching the Olsen twins!"
DAVE: "Alan, that is not exactly how it went."
ALAN: "That is EXACTLY how it went. Hey, I know you're about a hundred, but can you remember something?"
DAVE: "I think so."
ALAN: "Good. Then remember this, 'sdd'hole . . . You jack my 'djoy' again, I'll beat your like a donkey and sew your nuts to your freaky, botoxed face, you whiny 'givl'bag."
(turns to Will Smith)
ALAN: "And you, Hollywood, make a fool of me again and so help me. I'll go "Jazzy Jeff' on your ass, you duck-faced son-of-a-bitch!"
Alan storms off, leaving Mr. Will Smith alone on the set of "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.'"

Say this about the Alan Kalter Celebrity Interview show, he sure books good guests!

Of course, to decipher 'sdd', 'djoy', and 'givl', simply look to the left of each letter on your keyboard. It's the Wahoo way!

ACT 7:
JOE BUCK
FOX Sports play-by-play guy for baseball and football. And his dad was Hall of Fame announcer Jack Buck. Joe says his dad would often take him on the road while broadcasting for the St. Louis baseball Cardinals. At a young age of 8, Joe learned that "What happens on the road, stays on the road." He learned this when he asked his father why certain players would be hanging out and drinking and partying with women who were not their wife. Did Joe ever have dreams of playing professional sports? Joe says he did once he learned "What happens on the road, stays on the road," but then he realized when it came to sports, "I sucked, so I decided to be part of the media."
While growing up, Joe would broadcast games into his tape recorder. A lot of kids did this, many going on to do it professionally years later. But Joe had the great fortune of broadcasting into a tape recorder and then having it critiqued by one of the best in the world. That's not bad. Listening to Dave talk about Jack Buck and announcers like him from the days of yore, it is obvious Dave has a great admiration for those who do it correctly. It must have been great to grow up listening to the likes of a Jack Buck describe the game down on the field. It's something that stays with you forever. And here in New York, kids are growing up listening to John Sterling doing the Yankees, thinking that's the way it's supposed to be. What a shame. Joe tells a story of his dad taking him to Shea Stadium on his 18th birthday. Joe was in the announce booth watching his dad and former Cardinal player Mike Shannon do the game. And then in the middle of the game, daddy Jack announces, "Here's the birthday boy to take you through the 5th inning." Joe's eyes widened with fear as he silently pleaded with his father not to do this to him. But Joe took to the microphone and announced an uneventful inning of 3-up, 3-down. Afterwards, he proudly says to the engineer, "How about that?" The engineer, unimpressed, says, "It lacked description."
What does Joe think of the steroid use in baseball? Joe announced the Cardinal game where Mark McGwire hit his record-breaking 62nd homerun in 1998. It was very easy to get caught up in the excitement; Mark McGwire, St. Louis Cardinals; Sammy Sosa was there. And now it's being reported the ballplayers are using Viagra to maximize the effect of performance enhancing drugs. It's sad, but one benefit to this according to Joe is it'll be easy to spot who is doing this. And there is sure to be a reduction in head-first slides.
On July 15th, Joe will be announcing the 79th Major League Baseball All-Star game from Yankee Stadium. On hand will be the 40 living Hall of Famers. It'll be very emotional and inspiring; followed by the Hall of Famers being shooed away since there will be no seats available for them to watch. There's too much money to be made in the sale of those seats to corporate big shots.

And that was our show for Monday, June 23, 2008.



If I ruled the world . . . . . tonight's Top Ten would have been the Top Ten Words You Can Never Say on TV. Dave would do the list, consisting of the 7 words from George Carlin's list, with three additional from Dave. The entire list would be bleeped and mosaic.

Those who have fallen victim to Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview:
David Duchovny: April 13, 2005
Gwyneth Paltrow: September 7, 2005 Robin Williams: June 28, 2007
Samuel L. Jackson: August 21, 2007
Jodie Foster: September 10, 2007
Jerry Seinfeld: October 29, 2007
Regis Philbin: February 14, 2008
Harrison Ford: May 20, 2008
Will Smith: June 23, 2008

Hey, Late Show fans . . . . .I purposely left out one celebrity from the list above. Can you name the missing celebrity from Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview? Answer below.
HINT: from November 28, 2006.

I'm old enough and anal enough to try to think back to what I was doing the day someone was born. Will Smith was born September 25, 1968. What was I doing on September 25, 1968? Hmmm, I was in the 5th grade . . . . it was an election year. I really have no idea what I was doing on that date but I know what I was doing right around that time. As a homework assignment, everyone in Summit Park Elementary School had to make a campaign poster for the upcoming Presidential election. It was between Nixon and Humphrey, but even then I knew I didn't want to be one of the crowd. I didn't want to do exactly what was expected; I wanted to do the acceptable but with a slight twist. Most of the K-6th came in with a Humphrey campaign poster. Not as many made up Richard Nixon campaign posters. I and one other student in a school of 500 made a George Wallace campaign poster. "Wallace Will Put Money In Your Wallets!" was my campaign slogan.
And that was what I was doing right around the time Will Smith was born. What were you doing in September 1968?
I was also getting ready for the Detroit Tigers/St. Louis Cardinals World Series.

HINT 2: The missing celebrity is an actor.

The Seven Words You Can Say on TV
- Penal
- Titillate
- Pusillanimous
- Frock
- Asinine
- Cumquat
- Joe Cocker

HINT 3: The missing celebrity first reached celebrity status on TV and has since moved on to greater success in film.

The missing celebrity in Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview:
George Clooney - November 28, 2006 Did you get it? If so, give yourself a Nat Sherman cigar.

Hey, horse racing fans, Wednesday in the 7th race at Delaware Park in Delaware, Letterman's Humor is going off as the #6 horse, ridden by Rosemary B. Homeister, Jr. Get your picks in! Odds to follow.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today. From Hillcrest, New York, and now living in Florida, it's James A. Dooley.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER