COLD OPEN: We see Dave in a library setting nattily attired: “Hi. Welcome to our show.”

At the top of the show, Dave stands and wants to be the first to wish each and every one of us Happy Thanksgiving.

After billboarding tonight’s guests, Dave bangs the desk mic on the billboard card, notarizing it for goodness.

It’s Wednesday night and we head over to Rupert’s for a LATE SHOW tradition . . . the annual turkey drop.
THE 3RD ANNUAL LATE SHOW TURKEY DROP – This is our 3rd year doing this, which is why we call it the “3rd Annual.” Rupert and the contestant will go to the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Once there, the contestant will be given 3 chances to drop an artificial turkey into a tub of gravy 90 feet below on 53rd Street. The width of the tub of gravy: 26 inches.
We first tried this in 2004. The contestant successfully dropped the artificial turkey into the tub of gravy on her 2nd attempt. In 2005, the contestant successfully splashed the turkey in the tub on her 3rd attempt.
When we enter Rupert’s, the Hello Deli seems a bit dim. Where’s the lights? Rupert says “they” forgot” to turn them on. Rupert walks over to a light switch and flips the switch. And for that he gets applause. Whenever I turn on the light, all I get is light. No one ever applauds.
Dave has Rupert walk us through what he’s going to do tonight. He explains pretty much what I explained above. And what are you going to do with the contestant?
Rupert: “I’m going to bring her up to the roof.” Dave laughs. And Dave’s keen ear noticed the word “her” in Rupert’s statement. Dave asks, “You already know it’s going to be a woman? Rupert, caught, replies, “Uhhh, yeah.”
While Rupert goes out to find a contestant, we go put on a show.

Do you know what tonight is? Six years ago tonight, Richard Simmons came on the show and this is what happened. We see a clip of Richard from November 22, 2000. It’s Richard dressed as a turkey being beaten back by Dave with a fire extinguisher. Dave describes what took place that night and how Richard had a near fainting spell in the lobby following the incident. He had to be carted off in an ambulance as he was hyperventilating. It happened 6 years ago tonight.
Dave says that Richard Simmons isn’t as likeable as he oughta be. If you’re going to annoy people, you have to be likeable. Dave admits he hasn’t quite learned that trick yet either. And the big news. . . . Richard Simmons will be returning to the Late Show for the first time in 6 years, making a visit one week from tonight, Wednesday November 29th. Paul wonders if Richard will be showing up in oil or not in oil. Dave isn’t sure, but is hoping Richard has cut back on the oil. Set your Betas now.

It’s Thanksgiving and Dave saw the oddest thing on the TV earlier today. It was a Thanksgiving message. We take a look. We see lovely tranquil Thanksgiving scenes accompanied by soft sentimental music playing. We dissolve to Osama and his sidekick in Pilgrim hats. Osama speaks: “Have a happy Thanksgiving, infidel pig-dogs! From Osama and the gang.”

And now it’s time for Great Moments in Presidential Speeches.
We see FDR.
We see JFK.
We see George W. Bush: “I think the Japanese people are gonna like the taste of U.S. beef. I had a slice of beef last night. . .”

Back to Rupert and the 3rd Annual Late Show Turkey Drop. Tonight’s contestant is Brooke Snyder of Cleveland, Tennessee. She’s a 1st grade teacher and has been for 5 years. Hmmm, long break? Got today off? My girls had a half-day today . . . as if that accomplishes anything. I guess it gives the teachers credit for a day closer to their minimum 180 days. The rules are explained, and what are we playing for? “A Mr. Coffee Coffeemaker!”
90 feet up – the tub of gravy is 26 inches in diameter – the turkeys are artificial.
We are ready to play. Brooke drops the first artificial turkey . . . . and it falls wide of the mark, towards Jersey. Dave gives a quick reading of the weather stats. The key bit of information is the wind, which is at 18 mph from the northeast. Yes, and it blows the turkey west. Brooke tries a second time . . . and misses again, and again it’s on the Jersey side.
At this time you can hear the horns blaring on 53rd Street. We had to stop traffic in order to put on our silly game. The horns were blowing and blowing. I’ve said it many times . . . you can do anything you want in this city, just don’t screw up the traffic, either vehicular or pedestrian. We were obstructing both. Brooke tries a third time and misses again. She hasn’t taken the knowledge from her past throws and used it in her current toss.
Dave suggests Rupert to take a go at it. Rupert drops the artificial turkey off the roof and it is wide right. . . or left, depending on how you’re looking at it. Dave finally steps in and tells Rupert he is dropping it too far to the west. He has to come east. Rupert moves a few degrees over towards Queens and drops the artificial turkey . . . and it goes . . . . BANG! Direct hit! Right in to the tub of gravy! Nice shot, Rupert. Get directing, Dave. And what else do we have for them? It’s a Hello Deli deli platter along with the Mr. Coffee Coffeemaker. The models flank Brooke with the prizes. Andrea and Rute in their mink . . . and then Andrea quickly realizes she isn’t showing her goods. She opens her coat to reveal what she’s got. Nice, slick move. No one noticed.
And that was our 3rd Annual Late Show Turkey Drop.

STUPID PET TRICKS
SPT#1: Officer Josh Benton of Dexter, Missouri, with Hershey, a chocolate lab.
Trick: Hershey will jump up, push the button and drink from a water fountain. Dave remarks that most dogs drink out of the toilet. A water fountain is wheeled in. Officer Benton instructs Hershey to drink. Hershey moves forward, stands on its hinds, and pushes the button for the water. Hershey happily laps up the water. Nice job.
And what did we learn from this? Don’t drink from the water fountain at the Dexter Police Department.

SPT #2: Frank Ferris of Lerna, Illinois, with Sir Dave Golden Boy, a Golden Retriever
Trick: Dog solves complex math problems written on a board by pawing Frank’s hand.
Frank asks Dave for two numbers less than 10. Dave gives 6 and 3. Does Dave the retriever know what 6 plus 3 equals? Dave the Dog sits and touches Franks palm 9 times, then stops without prompting from Frank. Good job.
Next, division: 10 divided by 2. Sir Dave Golden Boy taps out 5. Square roots? The square root of 36? Dave the Dog taps out a 6. Pretty darn impressive. Dave is impressed, but admits he’ll have to take his word for that last one.

SPT#3: Glenn Hodge of Thorold, Ontario, with Willie, a daschund
Trick: Willie will run into his crate and shut the door behind him. A small cage is placed 10 feet away from wee Willie. On the command, Willie walks over to the cage, opens the door, gets in, and closes it behind him. That’s quite a talent. Nice job by all 3 pets and their owners tonight.

And that’s Stupid Pet Tricks.

MATTHEW BRODERICK: Poor Matthew broke his collarbone recently while horseback riding in Ireland . . . and he has the X-Ray to prove it. What happened? Is he a good rider? Matthew says he made the mistake of thinking he was better than he was . . . he got a bit too confident and comfortable. And that is the recipe for trouble in anything you do. His doctor, Dr. Yang, at Lenox Hill fixed him up good. Dr. Yang is conservative in his treatment, not allowing Matthew to throw out the first ball in Game 6 at Shea Stadium this year between the Mets and the Cards. But by keeping Matthew out of that once-in-a-lifetime chance, Dr. Yang ensured Matthew’s collarbone would heal good as new. Personally, I would have risked it and thrown the first pitch.. At my age, what do I need a perfect collarbone for?
Matthew spent a lot of time in Ireland as a kid. One time he had to borrow a neighbor’s cat to rid his house of mice. The neighbor guaranteed the cat would get rid of the mice problem in no time. But the cat only hid behind a curtain. The cat was petrified. So 10-year-old Matthew carried the cat back to the neighbor’s . . . and was attacked by a German shepherd on the way. Matthew suffered a nick on the hand. He doesn’t have an X-Ray to prove it, but he says it really happened. Matthew’s new movie, Deck the Halls opened today (Wednesday). Danny DeVito is also in it. The clip shows the two acting together in hopefully a one-take scene.

ACT 5: This is a Late Show Reminder . . . Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This has been a Late Show Reminder. It’s too hot to sleep!”

I was expecting a dash into the shack following the ACT 5. It would air after midnight. Thanksgiving is no longer tomorrow . . . it is today! But it slipped by everyone. Most of us stop watching after the monologue, anyway.

LUPE FIASCO AND JILL SCOTT: From Lupe’s new CD, “Lupe Fiasco’s Food & Liquor”, Lupe and Jill Scott performed, “Daydreamin’.”

I “Played the Dave” and lost. Lupe’s CD is called “Food & Liquor.” I expected Dave to say, “’Food & Liquor’ . . . sounds like Thanksgiving at Uncle Earl’s.”

And that was our show for Wednesday November 22, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Thanksgiving at the LATE SHOW is a very nice day. Much of the comedy is borrowed from previous years. We don’t use the same jokes, but we borrow the same ideas. I try to get as much done Wednesday night as I can since I will be entertaining my two girls for most of Thanksgiving morning and early afternoon here at the show. The parade passes right by the Ed Sullivan Theater and we have a wonderful and warm front row seat. My 11-year-old girls, and all the other kids, are fascinated with the parade . . . for about 3 minutes. And then they run rampant through the halls. When my girls first came here, I would exhaust myself trying to keep track of them. Now that they’re older, I simply tell them not to go on the elevator. And during the festivities, I’ll slip the roving camera guy a few quid in hopes of getting the girls on tape for the night’s show. And then Worldwide Pants showers us with a wonderfully delicious Thanksgiving dinner. Danielle and Dominique pick at their plate and enthusiastically sample the desserts. And then just about the time the Detroit Lions fall behind by 3 touchdowns, Denise arrives to take the girls home. I then get down to rehearsal. I meet up with the family later that night at Denise’s sister Nancy’s. A plate will be waiting for me. And to top off the night, I’ll finish up the Million Dollar Pie; recipe not available. And that’s my Thanksgiving.

MORE TURKEY FACTS: For downtime around the Thanksgiving dinner table:
· Minnesota, North Carolina, Arkansas, Virginia, Missouri and California are the leading producers of turkey in 2005. These states produced 166 million of the 256 million turkeys raised in 2005.
· A 16 week old turkey is called a fryer. A five to seven month old turkey is called a young roaster and a yearling is a year old. Any turkey 15 months or older is called mature.
· The ballroom dance the "turkey trot" was named for the short, jerky steps that turkeys take.
· A large group of turkeys is called a flock.
· Commercially raised turkeys cannot fly.
· Wild turkeys spend the night in trees. They especially like oak trees.
· Turkeys are believed to have been brought to Britain in 1526 by Yorkshireman William Strickland. He acquired six turkeys from American Indian traders and sold them for tuppence in Bristol.
· Henry VIII was the first English King to enjoy turkey and Edward VII made turkey eating fashionable at Christmas.
· Turkey breeding has caused turkey breasts to grow so large that the turkeys fall over.
· June is National Turkey Lover’s Month.
· Eating turkey does not cause you to feel sleepy after your Thanksgiving dinner. Carbohydrates in your Thanksgiving dinner are the likely cause of your sleepiness.
· 50 percent of U.S. consumers eat turkey at least once per week.
· For their first meal on the moon, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin ate roast turkey in foil packets.
· Turkeys will have 3,500 feathers at maturity.
· Israelis eat the most turkeys.....28 pounds per person.
· Turkeys have a long, red, fleshy area called a snood that grows from the forehead over the bill.
· The fleshy growth under a turkey’s throat is called a wattle.

Your job on Thanksgiving: Tell your family what a “snood” and a “wattle” is.

43 year ago today, November 22, 1963, President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, Texas. I was in kindergarten at the time. My memory of that day is very limited. I imagine I was shielded from the events; told to go out and play and to stay away from the television. I do remember a moment of silence in our kindergarten class. And I remember some nervous giggles from the kids because we had never had the class that quiet for that long. Some of the other kids said to shut up. I was somewhere in between; not laughing, but not too bothered by the giggling. I was aware something big took place but it didn’t really enter my world. I was more interested in blocks.
My daughters were in kindergarten in 2001, the same age I was when JFK died. I’ll be curious to find out what they remember about September 11th when they get older.

I did a quick check on the Google. Kennedy was pronounced dead at 2:38 PM EST. He was shot at 1:30 PM EST. It was a Friday. The moment of silence in the kindergarten class must have been in the afternoon just before dismissal. I wonder what kind of weekend it was for me. I’m sure I was oblivious to it all. And NFL football commissioner Pete Rozelle ordered the Sunday games to be played. He called it the biggest mistake of his career.

Why are you reading this? It’s Thanksgiving Day, for jeepers sake. Turn off the computer go talk to Aunt Clara.