It was the big Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes wedding this weekend and it was quite an affair. Dave admits he isn’t familiar with Scientology wedding, but judging from the footage he was able to get his hands on, it’s not your customary affair. We see a clip from the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Scientology wedding.
Ahhh, that’s not the Cruise/Holmes wedding. That’s a clip from the 1980 Flash Gordon movie. Dang. I would much rather have scene a clip from Flesh Gordon (1974).

Last Thursday was the Great American Smoke-Out, which encourages smokers to try and kick the habit for at least one day. You may have seen the announcement promoting the event.
Announcer: “On Thursday, millions of smokers across America will participate in the 30th annual Great American Smoke-Out, a special day that challenges people to live smoke-free for 24 hours. And now that your cigarettes are off limits, there’s never been a better time to try chaw. Packed with rich tobacco flavor you crave, chaw is a fun and convenient way to get your fix . . . at work, in the car, even in bed. And while cigarettes wreak havoc on your lungs, the carcinogens in chaw primarily attack your mouth, gums, and esophagus, leaving your lungs strong and healthy. Chaw is even popular among presidents. (clip of Bush spitting). Chaw . . . it’s what’s for dinner.”

While I watched the above “chaw” joke, I kept repeating how the woman announcer said the word “chaw.” At the end, Dave too repeated the way the woman said “chaw” though he didn’t comment on it. She said “Chah”, more than the usual “chaw.” It’s not “chah” . . . . it’s chaw! And it’s what’s for dinner.

And now it’s time for Great Moments in Presidential Speeches. We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Bush: “The best way to defeat the enemy is to deny them the recruitments . . . that . . and and and . . . the recrudiments . . . made made made . . .”

SMALL TOWN NEWS
- News-Examiner (Montpelier, Idaho): “R&R Hardware. Don’t miss our 4th of July sale. Closed July 4th.”
- The Daily Nonpareil (Council Bluffs, Iowa): “Personals: $28,396.80 to a woman (18-65) who moves in with me (or vice versa) and marries me. Call Virgil.”
- From a Medicine Hat, Alberta paper: Here’s a political ad with a catchy slogan: “Connect with Cocks”
- Charleston (South Carolina) Gazette: “Officials are investigating an incident in Wayne County in which James D. Keene allegedly shot three men he thought were squirrels.”
- The Daily Interlake (Montana): I hope you folks out there learn from this one: “Nude skydiver injured when he lands off target.”
- The Herald Journal (Logan, Utah): Here’s a holiday ad: “Hey, kids, grab your parents and come to Cash Valley Mall for Satan’s arrival.”
- The Northwood (Iowa) Anchor: Here’s another one of those items that makes me think Americans can’t count: Palmetto State Quartet.” (photo of five guys)
- Indian Valley Record (Greenville, California): “Sheriff’s Blotter. A woman said that her goat was missing and she thought it was stolen. She called back and said that the goat was back home.”
- The Times-Gazette (Hillsboro, Ohio): The editors might not want to submit this edition for a Pulitzer: “Clinton County men face pubic indecency charges.”
- The Calistoga (California) Tribune: “Police log, Monday, July 31. Nothing of interest happened. Rather than making something up, let’s just move on to August.”
- Salina (Kansas) Journal: “When James Bedore was being arrested, the police officer asked if there was any contraband or harmful or dangerous items in his pockets. Bedore replied he did not know, because the pants he was wearing weren’t his.”
- The Times-Union (Rochester, New York): “Help wanted. Boner and Meat handlers.”

TOP TEN: Things Overheard at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Wedding – the Scientology couple got married this weekend in Bracciano, Italy in front of 150 invited guests. The ceremony culminated in a 3-minute wedding kiss. Dave says if he was found kissing for 3 minutes, people would suspect he was having one of his spells . . . . or suffering from T.I.A. . . . which sent a bunch of us scurrying to figure out what T.I.A. stands for.

From the American Heart Association Website:

What is a TIA or transient ischemic attack?
A TIA is a "warning stroke" or "mini-stroke" that produces stroke-like symptoms but no lasting damage.

JERRY SEINFELD: The 7th season of his incredibly successful “Seinfeld” series is now out on DVD. Run out and buy it, because you can’t see these show any place else. Jerry tells a story of leading up to his working on the program many years ago. Dave offered him this bit of advice at a Late Night Christmas/Holiday party at the Boat House in Central Park: “Make sure you fail doing what YOU want to do.”
While talking about the “Seinfeld” show, Michael Richards’ name came up, the actor who played Kramer. This weekend, Richards performed at a comedy club in California and it turned real ugly. Some hecklers got the better of him and Richards retaliated with some gross racist remarks. By now I would think most of you are aware of the incident. Just before the show, Seinfeld asked if we could talk to Michael Richards via satellite to explain what had happened. And we agreed.
So we went to Television City in Hollywood, California to visit with Michael Richards. We see Michael Richards sitting in a bare setting. He told his story and apologized for his despicable actions. You could see the torment in his face and body. He showed sorrow for what he did and lots of anger at himself. This went on for quite a few minutes with some awkward and uncomfortable pauses.
Michael Richards seems to have some personal demons to battle; to confront; to examine in himself; and to come face to face with what is behind his racist outrage. I guess you can call it . . . . . “Kramer vs. Kramer.” Sorry.
After the satellite interview, Dave exhales and says “Well, we might as well go home now.” Jerry says, "This will be a breeze, to segue back into comedy."
We go to a break and come back with another segment with Jerry. Jerry describes being a parent as the “Infinity Wheel of Hell.” The kid parties are an agony. Does Dave go to the kid parties? Dave says, “No, I’m elderly.” And Jerry can’t take one more party clown who wants to talk to him about his comedy career.
“Seinfeld” – Season 7 now on DVD.
He also wrote the forward for the book, “I Killed: True Stories of the Road from America’s Top Comics.” You just know that stories by comedians on the road have to be funny as all heck, true or not.

When I heard the book title, “I Killed”, I thought it was OJ’s new book.

ACT 5: “Did you miss Jerry Seinfeld’s recipe for cornbread? If you did, please send a self-addressed envelope to:
I Missed Jerry Seinfeld’s Recipe For Cornbread
c/o Late Show with David Letterman
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019
Keep it real.”

DAN PATRICK: 18 years at ESPN, back when they covered things like Australian football just to fill up time. How has the 24-hour sports channel changed the games? Dan says everyone is keyed in on the slam dunk and the home run. I was thinking about this the other day. . . . the beauty of an alley-oop dunk is in the pass; not so much the dunk.
Dan is a dad of 4; are they big sports fans? Indeed they are. His wife thought the kids were watching too much television and decided to make one month “sports tv-free.” No sports viewing in the house and more time on school work. That’s hard to do, especially when the man of the house makes his living watching sports. He decided to get around the ruling by taking his kids to Hooters to watch the games. Hooters? Yes, it’s a family restaurant, you know. Well, it went over so well that his son is now addicted to the color orange. He begs to go to Hooters, and if he can’t go to Hooters he’ll beg to go to Home Depot. OJ is back in the news. First he had a book and a FOX special coming out but then it was canceled. Ever interview OJ? Dan says he spent two hours talking football with OJ a couple years ago. It was supposed to be all about football but at one point OJ asked, “Do you think I did it?” Dan decided to play dumb and asked, “Did what?” Dan said the whole experience was really creepy and fully expected OJ to lunge at him with a dagger if he asked the wrong question.
Dave wonders, ‘Could I in full equipment play a series of downs in NFL football? Could I survive four downs? Dan Patrick thinks, then asks, “At what position? Kicker?” Dave narrows it down to wide receiver. Dan thinks Dave would have a heart attack just being out there.
What’s happening with the Knicks? Isaiah Thomas in trouble? Dan says Isaiah is a smart guy. He’s the team president, the team G.M. and the team coach. He’s in charge of firing. He’s safe. He won’t fire himself.

Oh, and while were at it; the 2006-2007 Victory Count:
New York Knicks: 4
Duke Blue Devils: 4
Which team will win more games in 2006-2007?

And that was our show for Monday, November 20, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

And now back by popular demand, it’s Non-Donz Week.

WAHOO TIP OF THE DAY: Go shopping this Wednesday. Travel this Friday. You’ll thank me.

Oh, about that Rutgers thing I was talking about last week . . . . never mind.

Last week, did Dave’s telling the story of his running over raccoons sound as if he was trying to run over raccoons? I don’t think so, but some e-mails I received made it sound like he did it for sport; as if he got some sort of joy out of it. Gee whiz, are we watching the same show?

So that was some interview with Michael Richards. I wasn’t expecting that at all. The idea to have him on was put into action moments before the show. It was suggested by Jerry Seinfeld that we give Richards a chance to apologize and explain himself. When I was making my way through the Control Room just before the show, I saw them doing an audio and video check with a stage manager in California. I wasn’t sure what it was for. When I made it upstairs, I heard what was being planned. I asked if an info card was needed but was told the interview would be conducted during the Seinfeld segment. I figured any setup to the interview would be made by Jerry. So the interview with Jerry proceeds and Michael Richards’ name comes up early. And that was the lead-in to go to Television City in Hollywood via satellite. We see Michael, and Dave asks how he is doing. Michael is very somber and sullen. His remorse is quite evident. Many in the audience did not know how to take this. I only found out about what happened with Richards at the comedy club when I read a Top Ten entry during the day. I gave a quick view on Google News and learned what happened. I doubt the audience had the chance to find out about the incident. It was not yet in the newspapers and if I’m in New York on vacation, I doubt if I’m going to be watching too much TV news and I wouldn’t have easy access to a computer. I suspect most in the audience thought we were leading up to a joke. That would explain some of the laughter from the audience; reacting to what they thought was a joke. Even Jerry admonished the audience at one point, telling them “Hey, stop laughing. It’s not funny.” Michael rambled a bit in his explanation and apology which made things a bit awkward. I thought he should have had something more prepared. And then when I woke up Tuesday morning I thought if he had something prepared it would have looked like something his manager or publicist put together for him and wouldn’t look as if it was coming from the heart. Anyway, it made for some mighty interesting TV.
My take on it? (Uh oh) When you’re in that situation of complete anger and frustration, you lash out any way you can. You size up your “opponent” and attack his perceived “weakest” point; something to which you think they would be most sensitive; sexual orientation, appearance, weight, race, sex, . . . you’ll use whatever you think will strike a nerve and get a reaction. Do you really believe what you’re saying? I don’t think so . . . you just use what you think will hurt the other person the most. It’s why people use mother-insults when they don’t know your mother. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll go on to the next thing. Watch any school yard fight in which neither combatant wants to throw a punch. They throw insults and slurs at each other until something sticks. It’s childish and stupid. I’m not trying to minimize what Kramer said and did. He needs to go through loads of mea culpas, and will probably never recover professionally but I don’t think he is an evil and dangerous racist. But then I could be wrong. I saw nothing wrong with getting banged over the head with a clipboard by the coach when I played high school football, either.

And that’s a Wahoo memo.

Now saying those things at a quiet social gathering like a Sunday morning brunch . . . well, then that’s a different story.

And then there was the report on the CBS News website. Twice they wrote that Michael Richards appeared on Late Night with David Letterman. The LATE SHOW has been with CBS since the last century. Since 1993. I get angry when other news outlets refer to Dave’s “new” show as LATE NIGHT, but I would fully expect CBS to get it right. I guess we can’t expect changes over night.
From now on, I think I’ll refer to CBS as the DuMont network.

Did you watch the Game of the Century on Saturday; Michigan vs. Ohio State? The #2 played the #1 in a thrilling game. Ohio State prevailed and kept its top ranking with a 42-39 victory. And then 16 minutes after the game was over, the Ohio lottery pulled this number in the pick four: 4-2-3-9. How about that! Lottery officials said most it’s most likely that most of the bets with the winning numbers were placed after the game ended during that 16-minute window. The payout was over $2 million. The total amount wagered was $348,000. A win for Ohio State. A loss for the state of Ohio. Oh, by the way, no rematch. Ohio State beat Michigan. They shouldn’t have to beat them again. What happens if Michigan wins the rematch by a point in overtime? Who is #1 then?

New $1 coin – The U.S. Mint has announced a new dollar coin that will feature former Presidents. And they’ll be just about the same size as a quarter! Oh, yes, this is sure to work. The Susan B. Anthonys and the Sacajaweas were a great success, weren’t they?
They start coming out in February. The most common reaction will likely be, “Oooh, what is this?” soon followed by, “Now what am I supposed to do with it?”

Gotta go. Gotta get home and watch Eli under throw and underachieve.