I got the shiver shiver shiver shakes. Don’t expect the usual top-notch Wahoos this week, for I’m illin’ big time. All I want to do is nap. You’ll get about as much information out of this Wahoo as you would in Alan Page’s LATE SHOW Quick Guide.

Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana and funny mushrooms. Osama bin Laden is still on the loose but we have Willie Nelson.

Having trouble pronouncing the name of Iran’s President? Not Dave. It’s Mahmood Ahmma-dinna-jahd. Dave says this a few times throughout the show. How can a guy so mean have a name that’s so much fun to say?

Later in the show, we’ll be dropping a $900 safe from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theatre onto a 1996 Buick LeSabre. Approximate distance: 100 feet. And while you’re watching the safe fall, remember to have a safe fall.
“When you watch the safe fall, remember to have a safe fall.” Dave offered this bit of wisdom with a long pause between the first and second line. Why? Because he forgot the next line.

Willie Nelson was caught with illegal drugs on his tour bus yesterday, prompting this valuable anti-drug announcement that you have seen on television.
Announcer: “On Monday, music legend Willie Nelson was charged with possession of marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms. And because Mr. Nelson has a following that spans several generations, we’d like to remind his young fans that there’s absolutely no reason to sue illegal drugs, especially when you can enjoy fever-induced hallucinations by eating tainted Green Giant spinach.
Green Giant: Dig the new Mary Jane.”

Suddenly, the camera shot goes crazy. It begins to rotate, divides, then we see a kaleidoscope effect. More spins, more kaleidoscope. Dave asks our cameraman what’s going on?
Dorsett: “Thought I’d try some of that trippy ‘djoy’ for all those long-haired punks out there.”

Producers of CSI: NY claim to have found an actual dead body in a building where they were shooting. And it looks like they’re not alone. (Dave is a bit confused with the wording of the intro)
Announcer: “While shooting a scene for an upcoming episode, the crew of ‘CSI: NY’ discovered an actual dead body on the set. Coincidentally, on the very same day, the crew at CNN’s studios discovered that Larry King has been dad for the past 387 broadcasts. CNN: The most trusted name in news delivered by dead guys.”

Despite all the animosity between our two nations, the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is here for a visit this week. We take a look at the announcement.
Announcer: “Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has put aside his hatred for the United States to visit New York this week. What prompted this sworn enemy of America to come to the land of the Great Satan? He wants to be her for . . . . .
Ventriloquist Week on the Late Show! President Ahmadinejad: Always up for a goof!”

Dozens of world leaders are in New York City for the big summit at the U.N. Dave is thrilled that one of them has taken the time to stop by the LATE SHOW. Dave introduces the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark.
A beautiful and shapely Ms. Clark enters and Dave gives her a nice long “Welcome to the Show” hug. Before exiting, he goes back for one more hug.
Paul asks, “Was that really the Prime Minister of New Zealand?”
Dave: “Yes.”

DROP THE SAFE: It’s time to drop the safe. Pat Farmer is on the roof with 3 of his fellow stagehand. The 300 pound safe is on a platform. The 1996 Buick LeSabre is 90 feet below. We are ready. Without being able to rehearse, the boys drop the safe. As the safe falls, I think of having a safe fall. And WHAMMO! It’s a direct hit, landing just a few inches to the rear of dead center. Nice job, boys!

Costume Designer Sue Hum enters unexpectedly. She has with her a platter of French bread pizzas. She offers some to Dave. He thanks her, but says “no thanks”. She says they are fresh out of oven. Again he refuses. Sue says, “Why are you . . . so . . .goddam . . . .. hateful.” And then she exits. Dave got a big kick out of this because it was apparent she forgot her line as well, just as Dave did earlier in the show. When she slowed down at “so” and “goddam” I knew she forgot the word “hateful.” She did the same thing during rehearsal. Could she remember the word by the time she got to it? Yes and no. She slowed her line down considerably and then finally came up with the word, “hateful.” Nice job, Sue.

TOP TEN: Signs Your Husband is Gay – A study conducted by New York City Health Officials revealed that one in ten ‘straight’ New York men are having sex with other men on the “down low.”
And of these straight men having gay sex, 70% of them are married.

I added the term “down low” in the description because the article I read used it and referred to it as a common term for such a practice. Plus, I wanted to hear Dave say “Down low.” I usually lie on the side of caution. If I doubt he wouldn’t be amused by the wording, I wouldn’t use it. I may have been wrong here.
Signs Your Husband is Gay:
#10. You come home to find him handling the gardener’s hose.
#7. Your name: Jodi. Name he calls out during sex: Lou.
#4. During “Brokeback Mountain,” he mumbles “It didn’t happen exactly like that.”
#1. Says he got rear-ended but the car looks fine.

JAY JOHNSON AND DARWIN: His Broadway show debuted earlier tonight, “The Two and Only” and the Helen Hayes Theater. Darwin is a jazz monkey.
The difference between man and apes? Man has an opposable thumb. Apes do not.
Darwin likes to read books. What kind of books?
“Pornography.” Jay is a bit surprised. Darwin replies, “We can’t sit around twiddling our thumbs.”
And then Darwin sings in chimpanzee language, “Send In The Clowns.” Jay is very good at his craft. For awhile there, I almost forgot it was Jay doing most of the talking.

PATRICK DEMPSEY: In ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy – Thursday nights at 9:00 PM. My wife loves it because of all the relationships taking place behind the scenes of the everyday life in a hospital. I hate it because of all the relationships taking place behind the scenes of everyday life in a hospital. I seem to be in the minority. The show’s a big hit.

BIFF HENDERSON’S “VENTRILOQUIST SECRETS REVEALED”
We find Biff centerstage with his dummy.
Biff: “I will now show you how to make a dummy talk without moving my lips.”
Biff sits still and we hear the dummy say clear as a bell, “Hello, everyone, this is the dummy talking. I am the dummy and I am talking. It’s Ventriloquism magic.”
Dave is doubtful. “Biff, I’m no genius, but it seemed like your voice was on tape.”
Biff turns sour; “Look, man, stop getting up my ass about everything. Come on, Ziggy. Let’s go.”

KASABIAN: From their new CD, “Empire”, Kasabian performed “Empire.” I liked them.

And that was our show for Tuesday September 19, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Traffic is horrendous this week in Manhattan. There’s a big deal going on at the United Nations and everyone wants to get on the big stage. And of course when politicos are involved, the streets are shut down tight. This has a spill-back effect for miles and miles throughout the city.

This is what I came up with on my morning commute. Due to global warming, the ice caps are melting. That means more water to evaporate into the atmosphere. That means more moisture in the air. That means more rain. How far off am I? And if this is all true, how much will this screw up my weekends?

The Mets clinched the National League East last night, the final out being a fly ball in just about the exact spot Cleon Jones caught the final out in the 1969 World Series. If Cliff Floyd had any sense of history, he would have caught the ball and taken a knee immediately afterwards, just like Cleon. But you can’t blame Floyd . . . he wasn’t even alive in 1969.

If the New York Mets win the World Series, imagine the babes Paul La Duca will be able to get.

There’s a song out there right now that’s driving me nuts. It’s a remake of Bob Dylan’s “Knock Knock Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” I googled it to find out who’s singing it and the only thing I think it could be is “Guns and Roses.” Are they back in town, or am I hearing an old remake over and over?
Anyway, it bothers me how they can make the word “door” into a 3-syllable word.
“Doe-uhh-woe.”

I’m losing gas quick. Gotta go.

That was probably a poor phrase to use. I should have simply said “I’m tired.”