Uh oh. Dave and the audience are feuding. Dave says how we couldn’t do this show without the audience, so he offered them a free hot buffet before the show. Their response: moan. Then Dave asked if anyone here was from out of town? This got a huge response. Why is being from out of town a bigger deal than a free hot buffet? Does it make any sense? Dave is sure if he offered an open bar, they would be fine without that, although Dave suspects they are already drunk.

We have a snake and lizard expert on the show tonight. Earlier today during rehearsal, one of the poisonous reptiles bit a stagehand. And just before the show, we learned the stagehand had passed away. But we went ahead and did the show anyway. We all felt the stagehand would have wanted it that way . . . and CBS, too.

Con Edison is still struggling to restore electricity to parts of Queens after more than a week. Today, they issued this update.
Announcer: “Con Edison is working around the clock to restore power to neighborhoods in Queens. While our technicians deal with this complex situation, we would like to encourage customers in affected neighborhoods to consider becoming Amish. Beards, buggies, barns, it’s a lot of fun! A message from Con Edison.

We then see Dave playing with a pencil and throw it towards the camera. It missed the camera, but the “OW!” signaled something else. A concerned Dave asks the cameraman, Dave Dorsett if he is OK? We get a shot of the cameraman. Dorsett has a pencil sticking out of his chest, his shirt bloody with blood. Is he OK? Dorsett says, “What do you think, Dip-‘djoy’.”
(To decipher ‘djoy’ simply look to the left of each letter in ‘djoy’ on your keyboard.)

Happy news for Kim Jong Il. This weekend, he got married. Yup. And Dave should know, evident by what he received in the mail this morning. It’s a thank you card. Dave holds it up and reads the inside along with us:

Dear Dave,
Thank you so much for the George Foreman Grill.
Your friends,
Kim Jong and Marcie Schneiderman Il.

Big response from the audience. Paul did a fine Jack Benny reaction.

Just as Dave begins to proceed, he spots a fly on his microphone. He attempts to catch it. He misses. The fly lands on the edge of his desk. Dave gets up and slams the fly with an artcard. The crowd enjoyed Dave’s extermination. Me, I’m not so sure. I swear just before Dave swatted the fly, I could have sworn I heard a faint cry of “Help me! Help me!”

CANDID PHOTOS OF THE PRESIDENT
- (photo of Bush with a shovel-full of dirt) Bush digs shallow grave after Cheney accidentally shoots some Russian guys.
- (Bush reading documents) Here’s the President pretending to read an intelligence memo.
- (Bush with arms spread wide) Bush talks about how fat Al Gore has gotten.
- (photo of two hands grabbing at a crab puff) An awkward moment when Bush and Kim Jong Il both go for the last crab puff
- (photo of Bush and Cheney in Miami Vice-style suits) Here’s Bush and Cheney arriving at the Miami Vice premiere.
- (photo of a bruised George Bush) Laura finds out George gave German Chancellor Angela Merkel a massage.
- (an angry Bush) Here the President finds out the twins polished off all the Margarita mix.

DR. DARREL FROST: a snake and lizard expert and the curator of the American Museum of Natural History’s “Lizards and Snakes: Alive!” exhibit, which can be seen here in New York City through January 7th. What created this interest in lizards and snakes for Dr. Darrel Frost? He says he remembers seeing his first snake when he was 4-years-old. It was a rattlesnake. His father took care of things. He whacked it to death. That planted the seed of fascination with lizards and snakes.
Dr. Frost says we should think of lizards and snakes as squamates; legged and legless squamates. Let’s see what he has for us tonight.
- Chuckwalla: a southwestern iguana-looking squamates. It is black with some red on back. Would Dave like to hold it? No.
- Leaf-toed gecko – The Doctor warns Dave that this guy can jump. He is likely to crawl up Dave’s shoulder and then jump. The gecko climbs up Dave’s shoulder and then jumps off. Now there’s a gecko that can take a cue. Off the shoulder the gecko jumps. Probably saw a fly.
- Skink: about a foot long. It has a blue tongue. These are found in Australia and will eat anything that is smaller than them. These will live 25-30 years.
- King snake – Snakes are a legless kind of squamate. This snake mimics the color mimics of a coral snake. The snake crawls up Dr. Darrel’s chest and Dave remarks, “And it makes a lovely looking tie, also.
- Water monitor – a four-foot komodo-looking dragon. While Dr. Frost pets the water monitor, the skin peels off right into his hand. Dave asks if he can touch the water monitor. And then he asks if he can touch the handler.

As we go to commercial, for the second time we see trumpeter Al Chez cringing with fright from the reptiles.

Show of hands . . . how many of you were expecting the doctor to turn out to be a fake and be attacked by one of the squamates?

GREG KINNEAR: Greg is the brand new dad of a 6-week-old baby. He also has a 4-year-old. Greg videotaped both births. The first birth was chaotic and clumsy and blurry and disorganized. It was not the doctor’s fault; but Greg’s camera work that was suspect. The 2nd birth, Greg was much more calm. Nice sweeping shots; nice angles; and Greg even had the confidence to ask the doctor if he could do certain moves again. Greg, the director, was doing takes.
Greg traveled the world when he was younger; his dad working for the U.S. State Department. Dave suspects his dad was a spy. And back in the 70s, Greg worked as a DJ in Athens, Greece. He did a show called “School Daze.” He specialized, or tried to specialize, in being able to talk during a song’s intro and finish up just as the lyrics would kick in. He lasted about a year and then was fired. His boss had this thing about employees showing up on time, especially those who did a live broadcast. And when Greg was 12, he lived in Lebanon. He was there during the last mass evacuation of Americans. He got out just in time. He was one of the last to get out by plane. Dangerous? Oh, yeah. But through the eyes of a kid, although you sense it is dangerous, you never really think of the possible life-ending outcome, so in that way it seemed really . . . . neat?
Greg’s new film, Little Miss Sunshine, opens Wednesday in New York and Los Angeles. In the clip, we see a small extended family driving their little girl to participate in a beauty pageant. The family travels in a VW van. In the clip, the argument between Greg and Steve Carell about sarcasm made me laugh. “Sarcasm is the refuge of losers” chimes Greg’s character. Well, I’m on that team I guess. The clip really got my interest and it would be on my list of movies to see if I ever went to movies. I did rent 4 movies last week and watched 3 of them, so maybe I’m changing. I’m hoping Little Miss Sunshine is a film I’ll eventually watch.

ALAN KALTER MIDEAST UPDATE: Alan? Instead of an intelligent discussion, Alan sings the Pussycat Doll’s “Don’t Cha.”

“Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?”
Don’t cha with your girlfriend was a freak like me.
Don’t cha. Don’t cha.
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me.
Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me.
Don’t cha. Don’t cha.”

ACT 5: We hear the announcement, “Run for your lives! Water Monitor Lizard escaped! Run!” And that may have been the shortest ACT 5 we’ve ever had.

TAPES ‘N TAPES: From their new album, “The Loon,” making their network television debut, Tapes ‘N Tapes performed “

And that was our show for Tuesday, July 25, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Oh, I almost forgot. So it’s Friday night and I’m at the Comfort Inn in Nanuet partying it up with high school friends the night before our 30th Reunion. It was getting late (midnight is late for those nearing 50) and I asked the bartender if he would turn on CBS in 15 minutes. With one eye on the clock and one eye on my buddies, I got anxious for the moment to arrive. At 12:20 or so, the barkeep turned on CBS. Comedian Nick Griffin was just finishing up. Commercials. I get the crowd to turn their attention to the TV. As it got closer, I increased my urgency for them to watch.

ACT 5: “It’s time for ‘Name That Celebrity’. Can you name the celebrity from his high school prom photo? (see guy in his promo tuxedo).”

I turned from the TV to watch their reaction. It took about 3 seconds for them to realize that it was a photo of me at the prom. My easily impressed friends were impressed to see my photo up there on the TV, just the way they remember me. Yes, it was 30 years ago.

From Monday's Wahoo:

And if you giggled when Dave first batted, maybe he missed because he was batting lefthanded and not his usual righthanded. Why did Dave bat lefty? Because the man is always aware of the camera. Batting right handed would have put his back to the audience. So, batting left was the way to go.

”Actually, Dave normally bats lefthanded. He throws with his right hand, but bats left, as we have seen many times on the show. There is even a picture in Dave's mom's cookbook of Dave as a kid, batting left.”

You know, Miss Read, I bet you are right. I thought Dave was a lefthanded batter but I listened to someone who I thought knew more than me. I wasn’t quite sure which way Dave batted but this other guy had that 100% attitude that he was right so I went along with him. I then concluded that Dave batted the way he did to open himself up to the camera. And then when he turned and started swatting the whiffleballs into the audience using his righthand he was much more successful. Well, that would only add to “Mr. 100% I’m Sure” argument. But, as you say, Dave throws righthanded and bats lefthanded. When Dave batted lefty, he used two hands on the bat like a baseball player. When he turned and used a righthanded batter’s stance, he held the bat with one hand like a tennis player would hold a racquet. Thank you, Helen, you are right and what I originally thought was right. Once again, I was influenced by someone who acted as if they knew for sure. Their cocky confidence bamboozled me.

There are rumors of the Yankees trading Alex Rodriguez. The rumors are mostly coming from talk radio. I’m not a big fan of A-Rod’s but you DON’T trade away Alex Rodriguez if you can help it. The guy is too good. I think his problem is he looks too cool; too smooth. I once thought Hall of Famer Rod Carew didn’t hustle or run hard; it always looked like he was jogging. Then I saw him steal 2nd base, and then 3rd base. It looked like he was jogging. But how could he steal bases if he was only jogging? Then I realized that his run was so smooth it never looked like he was trying. I think A-Rod has a little of that in him. And A-Rod also has picked up the reputation of getting his hits and homers in games the Yankees are winning or losing by 10 runs. He can’t hit in the clutch. Now every time he gets up with men on base, his at-bat is magnified tenfold. His outs are, “See? He stinks!” His hits are, “Well, he’s supposed to do that.”
But the biggest problem with the New York Yankee fans is that they didn’t expect him to strike out as much as he does. This Yankee fan knew better. Back on February 13, 2004 I wrote:

2003 season:
Strikeouts: A-Rod: 126. Soriano: 130.
Soriano had 75 more at bats, therefore, slight edge to Soriano

Who’s in charge of fixing the Wahoo Archives? Con Edison? FEMA?