Dave opens with a story about young Harry being not too happy about how his English Muffin was sliced. Hello, Terrible Twos. Following the muffin outburst, his oatmeal was then thrown across the room. Guys had to come in to clean up the mess. "That'll be $4,000."

There was an interesting report the other day detailing all of Dick Cheney's demands when he stays at a hotel. We happened to have all the items he requires for his room.
Dave pulls out 4 cans of diet caffeine-free Sprite, The New York Times, Season 1 of "Sanford & Son" on DVD, a gun, and an extra heart.
That explains why we don't have him on the show. It's too hard to find diet caffeine-free Sprite.

It's Tuesday and time to head over to Rupert's. Tonight, in honor of the 2006 NCAA basketball tournament, we will be playing "Name That College Fight Song." Rupert will listen to the fight song of one of the remaining Final Four teams in the tournament on his iPod, hum along, and the contestant will have to guess what fight song Rupert is humming.
The Final Four:
Florida Gators
George Mason Patriots
LSU Tigers
UCLA Bruins.
Rupert runs out to find a worthy contestant. While he's doing that, we have a show to put on.

A MESSAGE FROM CONDOLEEZZA RICE: from her visit to "Meet the Press" this weekend: "I'd be the first to say that / we're in Iraq because / of / the President's / mental incompetence."

Throughout history, great minds such as Plato, Thomas Jefferson, and Jean-Jacques Rousseau have issued their theories of government. Well, we thought this would be a good time for the "GEORGE W. BUSH THEORY OF GOVERNMENT."
From a March 20th speech in Cleveland, we find the President giving a talk. He stumbles and fumbles as he tries to explain his theory of government.
Bush: "Look, government can help, but government can't . . . . sometimes you know . . . . can't . . . can't find . . . well, look, it's just not a loving organization."
Government - Not a Loving Organization.

Back to Rupert's. We find him with the lovely Carissa from Salina, Kansas. Where in Kansas is Salina? In the middle. It is very flat in Salina. She's here on vacation, just getting here this morning. Dave explains the game to Carissa. She will have 30 seconds to listen to Rupert hum the fight song of one of the remaining Final Four teams and she will have to determine from which school the fight song belongs. Tonight, Carissa will be playing for a waterpik.
Alan then tells Dave and the home viewers what song Rupert will hum. In a very soft whisper, Alan says, "Dave . . . homeviewers . . . . it's the LSU fight song 'Fight For LSU.'" Dave asks Carissa if she heard what Alan said. She says she did not. Dave says, "I could barely hear it myself."
Rupert then plugs himself in to the iPod and starts humming "Fight for LSU." Hopefully this Saturday LSU plays better than Rupert can hum. Dave likens Rupert's performance to, "It's like the guy you sit next to on the subway."
Carissa makes her guess: George Mason. No, sorry, Carissa. It's the LSU fight song, "Fight for LSU." Carissa does not go home empty handed. She gets a Hello Deli deli platter.
And that's how we play, "Name That College Fight Song."

TOP TEN: Ways Barry Bonds Can Improve His Image
#10. Lucky fan gets to inject him in the ass.
#5. Star in one of them "We have 15 kids" movies with Bonnie Hunt.

RAY ROMANO: Ray is wearing a blue shirt and black pants. He's in the new animated film, "Ice Age: The Meltdown." He is the voice of a horny mammoth wanting to continue the species. His hopeful mate is playing hard to get. And I think we all know the eventual results of that behavior. Have you seen a wooly mammoth lately?

Ray had a busy Catholic weekend. Before getting into the story, he asks Dave if he is a Catholic. Dave answers, "I go to some games but I'm not a season-ticket holder." Ray's daughter had her Confirmation and his son had his First Confession. Ray describes the scene of the First Confession of his 7-year-old son being up on the altar with one of the priests. His son tells the priest his sins while Ray videotapes the proceedings. Ray zeroed in on his son's lips as he spoke to the priest because what he was going to say to the priest he would not reveal to mom and dad. Ray had a particular interest in what his son had to say because Ray has a missing putter he can't find. Ray is now a bit nervous with what his son said. Usually the priest will order a few Hail Mary's to cover your sins. With Ray's son, community service was suggested.

Ray's kids are now getting older and with that, nap times are eliminated. Naps are great. . . . for the parents and the car seat is a great sleep-inducer. It's chloroform for a toddler. The bedroom routine in the Romano house is: brush teeth, read him a book, take him for a ride on the Long Island Expressway. The car seat can be dangerous, though. You'll be out for a ride in mid-afternoon/early evening and you see your child falling asleep. It's past naptime and now you're afraid he'll sleep now and stay up all night, so you don't want the child to fall asleep. Ray keeps a water pistol in the glove compartment which he'll squirt to keep the child awake. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Now that the kids are getting older, do Ray and his wife get to go away alone together? Not all that often, but when they do it's usually starts the same way. As soon as the plane lands, his wife will say to Ray, "And we're not having sex as soon as we get to the hotel." Ray then compares home sex vs. vacation sex. There is a lot less pressure on the man during vacation sex because even if he does not quite satisfy his wife, she can always think, "Hey, at least I'm on vacation."
(My wife and I usually don't have sex on vacation. She considers it "work.")
And Ray's wife has recently hinted about undergoing a breast-reduction job. Ray does not think those two words should ever be coupled; "breast" and "reduction." His response: "How many times do I gotta tell you, 'Don't touch my stuff.'" The final decision has yet to be made.

"Ice Age: The Meltdown" opens this Friday. Ray also has another project, "95 Miles to Go" that is about to appear in theaters . . . . two theaters to be exact. I think this is an extreme example of "limited release."

STAFF COMPLAINT FORUM: It's hard to run a complex operation like the Late Show without having some problems. In order to keep everything in order, it was Dave's idea to create a Staff Complaint Forum where a staffer could air his complaints and/or grievances in hopes to have it rectified. Tonight, researcher Matt McCluskey has something to say in the Late Show's "Staff Complaint Forum."
Matt is backed by a score of Late Show staffers.
Matt: "Dave, I just wanted to say that it's pathetic what you pay your research department. We work really, really hard and we're here late at night long after you've gone home. If you really appreciate our work like you say you do, then why do you keep turning down our requests for . . . ."
Suddenly the microphone is yanked away by someone offstage. Matt continues his plea, though he is unable to be heard. The scrim lowers. Matt is being cut off without his being able to finish.
Announce: "This has been Staff Complaint Forum, an ongoing attempt to resolve issues and grievances of Late Show employees. Thanks to all staffers who participated."
Dave is satisfied with another terrific session of "Staff Complaint Forum." That should help with morale.

ACT 5: "And now, the Late Show presents 'Something For The Ladies!' Meet Joshua Bolten (see photo), the new White House Chief of Staff! This delectable hunk of man-meat is currently single --- but that's not going to last! Make your move now, gals!
This has been 'Something For The Ladies!' Keep it real.

WILLIE NELSON: From his new CD, "You Don't Know Me: The Songs of Cindy Walker," Willie Nelson performed "You Don't Know Me." I always like Mr. Nelson. Love the sound. I saw him years ago at Radio City.
And who is Cindy Walker - only one of the finest country music writers in history. She's a member of the Nashville Songwriters Hall of Fame and the Country Music Hall of Fame. Her songs have been recorded by Eddy Arnold, Bob Wills, Roy Orbison, Ray Charles, Elvis Presley, Tex Ritter, Charley Pride, Glen Campbell, Cher, Emmylou Harris, Van Morrison, and the list goes on and on.
"You Don't Know Me" is her most famous work

And that was our show for Tuesday, March 28, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Immigration is big in the news lately. There is now talk of building a United States/Mexico border-fence to slow the flow of illegal immigration. And the fence will be built by day laborers found hanging out at a street corner.

"FIGHT FOR LSU"
Like knights of old we fight to hold
The glory of the Purple and Gold
We'll carry through we'll die or do
To win this game for LSU
Keep trying for the final score
Come on you Tigers fight for more, for more
Come you Tigers fight, fight, fight
For dear old LSU.

"Hey! Fightin' Tigers"
Hey! Fightin Tigers, fight all the way!
Hey! Fightin Tigers, win the game today!
You've got the know how, you're doin' fine,
Hold on to the ball, as you hit the wall,
And smash right through the line!
You've got to go for the touchdown, run up the score,
Make Mike the Tiger stand right up and roar!
Use all of your might as you fight tonight
And keep the goal in view!
Victory for LSU!
T...I...G...E...R...S...TIGERS!

WHO IS GEORGE MASON? - from the Wikipedia:
GEORGE MASON (December 11, 1725 - October 7, 1792) was a United States patriot, statesman, and delegate from Virginia to the U.S. Constitutional Convention. He has been called the "Father of the Bill of Rights".
Mason wrote the Virginia Declaration of Rights, which detailed specific rights of citizens. He was later a leader of those who pressed for the addition of explicitly stated individual rights as part of the U.S. Constitution. His efforts eventually succeeded in convincing the Federalists (such as James Madison) to modify the Constitution and add the Bill of Rights (the first ten amendments of the Constitution). The Bill of Rights is based on Mason's earlier Virginia Declaration of Rights. The French Revolution's Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen was also based on George Mason's work.
Although a slave owner himself, Mason favored the abolition of slave trade, and withheld his name from the U.S. Constitution in part because it failed to do so.

And while we're at it:
FLORIDA: Florida is the only state that has 2 rivers both with the same name. There is a Withlacoochee in north central Florida (Madison County) and a Withlacoochee in central Florida. They have nothing in common except the name.
LSU: The quality of Louisiana State University's academics is reflected in the number of nationally ranked programs and nationally recognized scholars at LSU. Since its first commencement in 1869, LSU has awarded nearly 200,000 degrees. That number continues to grow and includes some of the nation's best and brightest graduates.
UCLA: Mascot - Bruin Bear
Colors - blue and gold
Fight Song - "Mighty Bruins"
Alma Mater - "Hail to the Hills of Westwood"

Here's something I uncovered yesterday . . .
In a perfect bracketed tournament with 64 teams, it takes 63 total games to determine a champion.
If 32 teams, it would take 31 games to crown a champion.
16 teams - it takes 15 games.
8 teams - it takes 7 games to crown a champion.
The formula: Number of teams, minus 1.
Now there's a mathematical formula that could use a name.
The more I think about the mathematical formula, the more it seems so obvious.
Maybe I shouldn't be so impressed with myself.