It’s so hot outside, it’s a good time for the hose cam. Squirting pedestrians is always lots of fun. Dave is a bit unhappy with the direction of the squirt and hopes for some finagling.

Dave’s says his life has changed dramatically the past two years. For decades he’s worn the same thing to work every day; shorts, t-shirt, shoes. He’s in the Pants For Life program. Dave’s got a pair of pants he likes, so he ordered about a hundred of them and wears them everyday. In the summer, he’s part of the Shorts For Life program. For the past 20 years, it’s been the same exact thing. What to wear is something Dave does not want to be bothered with. So this morning, it’s shorts on, shirt on, shoes on. Then little Harry looks up to him and says, “Cute outfit.”

And two weeks ago Dave had Harry in the back seat of the car and discovered he was eating Dave’s candy. It’s not your life anymore, Mr. Letterman.

Dave is still on his “safety first” kick. It’s Grizzly Bear season in New York and we here at the Ed Sullivan Theater have the misfortune of having to deal with a Grizzly left over form the Russian Circus back in when Ed had his show. Tonight, putting away the LATE SHOW bear is LATE SHOW Art Director Jason Kirschner. We see a clip of Jason doing the honors of putting away the LATE SHOW Bear. The audience applauds. Paul is a bit confused. He mentions how the audience applauded as if nothing was askew. But there WAS something askew and it was obvious to everyone. Our Art Director was not putting away the LATE SHOW bear; he was putting away a guy. No bear, just a guy. Explains Dave; “It was so hot today we didn’t have the heart to ask the guy to put on the costume.

Is George here? Last night we had Biff try to fry an egg on the sidewalk of 53rd Street. Even though it was terribly hot, the egg would not fry. Tonight we’re going to have George try it on the hood of a car. Who’s car? George says, “On the Chief’s car here.” The Chief, our affectionate name for head of security, if Bill DeLace. The car has been sitting out in the sun all day long. Is it hot enough to fry an egg? George puts his hand on it and says it ain’t so bad. Let that be a lesson to all of you who want to get into Television production. . . take nothing for granted. Good grief. It looks a bit cloudy. George says it is cloudy. Does it look like rain? George assures us, “Oh, no, it won’t rain. Not here. Not now. Not soon.” OK.
George tries to fry an egg on the hood of the Chief’s car. . . . and the egg slides right off. Of course it did. When Biff tried this many many years ago, it slid off the hood of a yellow taxi. I made a note that day long ago:

don’t use a yellow taxi . . you can’t see the yolk.
fry the egg on the roof of the car or up near the windshield of the hood so the egg won’t slide off. I guess I should have shared my note with others.

Dave has George wave to the folks behind him. George turns and waves. “Say ‘Hello,’ George” urges Dave. George says, “Hello, George.” Buh dum bum.

It’s time to bail out on this. Dave suggests to George to run over to the hose-cam at the corner. George makes his way over and stands under the hose. The hose is activated and George runs to get under the stream. Unfortunately, the stream of water from the hose takes him off camera. George explains the dilemma. An exhausted Dave says to George, “George, I love you like a brother but you’ve been nothing but trouble tonight.”

We go on to something else.

The Marriott hotel chain has come up with a new program. We have a clip of their recent promo.

“Marriott is pleased to introduce the ‘Just Like Home’ program... a new environmentally conscious approach to hotel management. As part of this program, our linens will now be changed every three days instead of daily. This will save water and prevent harmful compounds from being released into the environment. For participating, guests will receive a complimentary continental breakfast and shuttle service to are clinics for treatment of Cimex lectularius rashes. Marriott – Look no further!”

“From writer-director Mel Gibson . . . a majestic look back at the awe-inspiring civilization of 16th century Latin America, in the original Mayan dialect . . . (cut to a scene from the comical “Sabado Gigante” and their crazy antics.) ‘Apocalypto’ – coming soon to theaters near you.”

“Ever since John Roberts was nominated to the Supreme Court, critics have complained that President Bush should have chosen a woman to replace Sandra Day O’Connor. But the Bush administration is confident that if Americans look past the controversy, they’ll see the Judge Roberts easily measures up to any woman in terms of compassion, sensitivity, intuition, supple skin, soft, luscious lips, gentle hands, and warm playful eyes that stir feeling unlike any you’ve ever experienced toward another man, as they beckon you into a private world of limitless passion.
John Roberts: Be there.”

In the background, we see street merchants battening down the hatches in preparation for the incoming storm. George’s forecast of a dry night in Manhattan seems in question, a mere 5 minutes after his prediction.

APE OR ARTIST: It’s our 5th installment; the prior 4 were each an ape. How do we play? Behind the scrim is a work of art. The question: Was the painting done by an ape...or a professional artist?

What are we playing for tonight? Alan announces, “It’s a Mr. Clean Auto Dry CarWash!”

The scrim rises and revealed is a rather small painting consisting of splashes of greens and blues. Dave thinks that the first 4 paintings were by apes, and figures we would keep with that string. Dave says the painting was done by an ape. Paul agrees; he too believes the painting was done by an ape. The answer, Alan? “Dave, it was painted by . . . . . an ape! One of the oldest living chimpanzees on record, 59-year-old Bill has lives at the Sequoia Park Zoo in Eureka, California since 1957. A fan of public television’s Bob Ross, he also enjoys listening to music and socializing with keepers. Bill’s artwork sells for $300!”

And that’s how we play “Ape or Artist.”

TOP TEN - O.J. Simpson Excuses for Stealing DIRECTV.
A Florida judge has ordered OJ Simpson to pay $25,000 in damages for stealing satellite television signals from DIRECTV.
#10. For some reason, cable guy is afraid to come to house.
#9. Spends a lot of time watching television now that it’s too hot to go out and kill people.
#6. It was a rare lapse in judgment.
#3. Cable’s been out since he stabbed his television.

KELLY PRESTON: She’s married to John Travolta. John is a big fan of anything that can achieve flight. He’s been toying around with an ultralight which consists of two plastic chairs, some wings, and a lawn mower motor. Somehow it gets him up in the air. Kelly says he took her up the other day and it was really exciting.

John and Kelly live in Florida and she says they would love to have Dave come visit. Just fly on down and park it in the driveway. We had a photo of John’s huge jet plane parked outside the house the last time he was on the show. She paints an amusing mental picture of John flying home and landing the jet in the driveway after a hard day of work.

What’s life like in Florida? Kelly says she and John like to live the normal life. She loves shopping at the Target and Wal-Mart. John knows the Denny’s menu by heart and Kelly gets her pedicures at Wal-Mart.

And when they are not doing the Target/Wal-Mart/Denny’s thing, the family is flying around the world.

Kelly is appearing in Sky High which opens on Friday. It’s a light, kid-friendly film which answers the question, “If 2 Superheroes had a child, where would they send him or her to school?” It’s Sky High, as in Sky High School.

We see a clip. It’s Kurt Russell as the dad with Kelly the mom discussing their son. In the clip, Superhero Kurt punctures a cue ball with a cue stick while shooting pool. Very silly, but I found it quite funny. I have a feeling I’ll be seeing this film during the next break.

JEFF ALTMAN: Jeff usually has a hard time on his flights but this time it was OK. But the hotel is a different story. Last night at around 2:00 AM, a drunk guy came knocking on the door. Wrong room. The guy apologizes and says with some difficulty, “I’m sorry, I came to the wrong room.” 15 minutes later, same guy does the same thing. Again, he apologizes. And then again it happened. The guy bangs on the door and Jeff answers. The guy says, “Hey, buddy, did you rent every room in this hotel?!”

Dave asks about a recent problem that Jeff had with a flight attendant. Jeff said the male flight attendant was a bit on the effeminate side. Throughout the flight, Jeff kept asking for more nuts, more soda. The flight attendant all snooty-like just kept saying “No no no no.” Near the end of the flight, the place started its descent. Jeff pulled the shade pretending to sleep. Just as they were about to land, Jeff opens the shade and yells, “We’re losing altitude! We’re losing altitude!” The flight attendant walks prissily by and snaps, “We’re landing.”

Jeff has been single for a year and a half now. It’s hard to date when you’re 53 years old. He describes himself in the single/dating columns: “Man, 53, has beer.” It hasn’t gotten much response yet . . . from gals anyway.

“Flam my hoyman.” I don’t know. I don’t know.

Jeff has been doing stand-up comedy for 30 years now, starting out near the same time Dave did. Jeff recalls his first time on television. It was on the Dinah Shore show, a daytime talk show. Before the show, he was asked for his outcue. An outcue is the last joke of the routine so the director can cue the applause sign to finish. Jeff wasn’t sure where and when he was going to end so he simply said, “When I raise my hands over my head and says “thank you,” that’ll be my outcue. So Jeff tells his first joke. Nothing. Nothing from the audience. Dead silence. The second joke, same thing. Silence. The third joke; again, nothing. Nothing at all. The fourth joke worked. Jeff got a good laugh. He raises his hands in the air and says “Thank you.” The director flashes the applause sign, music plays, and that was it. Jeff’s television debut lasted about 40 seconds. Later, Dinah offered Jeff the chance to finish his material but Jeff figured he had enough.

Jeff Altman – you can see him at the Comedy Store in La Jolla, California August 5th and 6th.

ACT 5: It’s George on 53rd Street getting wet from the rain and the hose.

AIMEE MANN: From her CD, The Forgotten Arm, Aimee Mann performed “She Really Wants You.”

I first heard Aimee Mann on the local Fordham college station WFUV, the only radio station to listen to in New York City. The next day I bought her CD, “Bachelor Number 2.” I like her music.

If nothing else, buy her new The Forgotten Arm CD simply for the packaging, design, and artwork. The most entertaining I’ve ever seen for a CD. I’ll be listening to her CD this weekend.

To close the show, Dave notices something very interesting about tonight’s guest list: We had . . .
Aimee Mann
Jeff Alt-Man
And Kelly Preston.

I laughed very hard at this because earlier that morning I noticed the same thing and tried so hard to make Kelly Preston fit into the string of “mans.” I couldn’t do it but attempted it none the less. Dave’s closing of the show made it appear to me that he was trying to do the same thing.

And that was our show for Wednesday July 27, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

It rained just a bit during the show. It looked like it would be a torrential but it never did quite materialize. We got just a bit more than a spritz, but less than a good quality rain. In fact, we probably got the worst amount of rain you could imagine. Enough to raise the stink off the streets but not enough to wash it away. As I walked to my car after work, I could smell all the dried urine and sweat and daily gunk that befalls our streets. It really really stunk.

Any horse racing fans out there? I’ve been trying to follow and place a bet on a horse named “Letterman’s Humor” but I keep missing out. The horse seems to race a bit at Delaware Park and I want to put my betting stub on a future script cover. What can you tell me about “Letterman’s Humor” and when does he race next?

I calculated the diameter of an eye of a storm the other day when I used the formula for a circumference of a circle, C=2(pi)R, when C=5. Many wrote to tell me the easier circumference formula is simply C=(pi)D, with D=diameter. I always knew this but for some reason I was taught the formula to be C=2(pi)R and not C=(pi)D. What formula were you taught in junior high school (they are equal) and why was C=2(pi)R even taught?

It’s so hot, rap singer Ice Cube is now just a puddle of water.

I was reading a bit of the Brian Williams bio on some site because I wanted to find read about his days as a Volunteer fireman. I was interested since I too was once a volunteer for a short while. He describes it pretty much the way I remember it.

Says Brian about his volunteer days: “I did hit it in the heyday. Regulations no longer allow firefighters to hang off the back step of the trucks. Back in my day, the thing to do was loop your arm over the pole, continue getting dressed in subzero temperatures, doing sixty miles per hour, careening around turns, while hopefully lighting a cigarette at the same time. That was the full package. “

I’m tempted ever so slightly to get involved once again at the firehouse. If you have it in your town, check it out. It’s a great organization.

It’s so hot, for the first time in the history of mankind it may actually be necessary for 1% of the population to carry bottled water while walking.

From Mike Henderson of East Windsor, New Jersey:

“In today's Wahoo Gazette you referenced ‘duct’ tape. In the spirit of ‘Herbie v. Hermie’, let me pose the question of whether it should be called ‘duct’ or ‘duck’ tape. I remember reading an article in the last couple of years that sought to clear up this question, and as I recall, the historically correct answer is ‘duck’ tape.”
Happy Googling!!