The CBS hit show JAG which we picked up from the NBC scrap/crap pile airs its final episode this Friday. CBS has put together a touching send-off. We see the taped farewell.

“After ten wonderful years . . . ‘JAG’ is ending its television tour-of-duty. We at CBS proudly salute the incredible talents and accomplishments of the cast and crew . . . and we promise to replace ‘JAG’ with a program just as gay. CBS – it’s all here.”

LET’S MEET THE NEW NEIGHBORS: Opening up just outside the Ed Sullivan Theater on Broadway is Angelo’s, a new pizza joint. An elated Dave says, “Finally, a place to get pizza in this town!” Paul sings an opening number for “Let’s Meet the New Neighbors” with the lyric, “Meet our new neighbors while they’re still here.” I enjoyed that. Angelo’s follows the Manhattan Chili Club, which followed Sullivan’s, which followed McGee’s, which followed Cordials. The camera heads outdoors to the lo! vely and lively and energetic hullabaloo known as Broadway, the Street of Dreams. The camera pans north, then south. Oh, look at that! A doggie crossing Broadway at 53rd Street. As if on cue, the dog suddenly stops and takes a squat. Nothing like LIVE TV. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, a truck pulls up between our camera and the relieving dog and we miss a bit of nature unfold.

With that last scene in mind, we enter Angelo’s Pizza. We meet the greeter, Monica. This is a new gig for her and is very happy with the work. There’s obviously a lot of hustle and bustle. What does Monica recommend at Angelo’s Pizza? Says Monica, “I love the salads.” DOH!!! We head to the back and meet Nick. Nick is hard at work over a slew of pies. What makes Angelo’s pizza pies so special? Nick says they only use homemade mozzarella and fresh tomatoes. Plus, Angelo’s pizzas are cooked in a coal oven. (I should know --- their newly-installed smoke stack runs right outside my office window.) How many tons of coal does Nick and Angelo’s go through a week? “Lots” says Nick. Dave asks Nick to bring in a pie with mushrooms and onions.

Nick makes his entrance into the Ed Sullivan Theater for the very first time. He sits in the guest chair and lays the pie on Dave’s desk. Dave calls Paul and the models over to enjoy some of the mushroom and onion. They each sample the pie as Nick looks on proudly. Mmmmmm, good. Dave approves, as do the others.

And that’s how we met our new neighbor.

IS THIS ANYTHING? It’s a woman lying on her back, spinning round rugs on her feet. Dave says it is something. Paul says it’s marvelous. How about pizzas? Can she do it with pizza? We tried it earlier in the day but was unsuccessful.

TOP TEN: Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Secretary – It’s Secretary’s Day tomorrow.
#6. Wears inappropriately short skirts, no matter how many times you tell him not to.
#3. You asked if anyone called --- he said, “I’m not here to talk about the past, I’m here to talk about the present.”
#1. Filed a sexual harassment lawsuit because you asked her to take dictation.

HANK AZARIA: He’s a 4-time Emmy Award winning actor now starring on Broadway in the blockbuster Monty Python musical, Spamalot. How is it working on a LIVE show on Broadway? Hanks says it’s the most fun he’s ever head in the business. Hank has always been a big fan of Monty Python, admitting to often being shown the door in school for his incessant reenactments. The Spamalot story he had down in no time. It was the music and dancing he needed work on. The professional dancers had their steps mastered in no time. Hank and David Hyde Pierce needed to work overtime, and then some more just to memorize the simplest of steps.

Being on Broadway, Hank finds himself around a lot of old veterans to the stage, and with the old-timers you’re always going to hear some great stories about how things were so much better in the old days. One such story involved John Barrymore. He was roaming backstage in a drunken stupor, seconds before his entrance. A stage manager came running up to him and urgently told him, “Mr. Barrymore, Mr. Barrymore, you’re on! You’re on!” The drunken Barrymore slurs, “What did you say?” The stage manager repeats, “You’re on!” Barrymore can only ask, “How’m I doing?”

Another story involves a gentleman theater-goer who also liked his drinks. This guy began talking to a slushed-up drunk who advised the theater fan not to go to the show he was planning on but to the show right across the street. The gentleman decided to take the advice of the drunk and the two headed to the theater just before show time. They found their seats and on stage was a lone actor pretending to be sleeping. Nothing else was happening. Even thought the stage-actor was sleeping, he was going through every emotion imaginable; sadness, anger, frustration, fear.! The gentleman theater-goes says to the drunk beside him, “This is amazing . . . but what is he doing exactly?” The drunk says, “He’s waiting for my entrance. . .”

Hank has also been busy appearing in the Showtime series, Huff. In it, Hank plays a psychiatrist. Any experience with psychiatrists? Hank admits to seeing a shrink for a short time; his current psychiatrist being a weekly visit for the past 15 years. Hank describes his shrink as a no-nonsense type, straight forward, right to the point. His shrink’s advice usually went something like, “Oh, shut the ‘givl’ up! You’re a friggin’ baby is what you are. A stupi! d idiot!” (It’s a refreshing change to your typical therapist, but not one I would want. It’s what I say to myself. Why would I need to pay someone to do the same thing?)

And Hanks keeps himself busy working on The Simpsons, the voice of over 50 characters. You probably know him most as Moe the bartender, Chief Wiggum, Apu and Professor Frink.

Spamalot – now running at the Shubert Theater on West 44th Street.

ALAN KALTER’S GIRLS GONE NUTS: Our announcer asked if he could have a moment to talk about something tonight. Against Dave’s better judgment, Dave offers Alan the floor.

Alan: “Thanks, Dave. As we speak, millions of college students are on spring break. But we can’t all make it to the beach, which is why I’ve brought spring break to you in my new home video: ‘Girls Gone Nuts.’

With just my camcorder and a ticket to Cabo San Lucas, I’ve captured America’s hottest coeds frolicking in the sun, partying through the night, and shedding their inhibitions. Take a look at this pert little number I spied outside the Cabo Wabo Cantina.” (footage of young bikini gals on the beach) “Oh, yeahhhhh. . . .”

Suddenly, a guy from the audience yells out, “Hey, that’s my wife.” Cut back to Alan who is now being beaten about the head and body by a burly man. No one from the staff jumps in to stop it. The guy, satisfied with the pummeling, exits.

JEFF MACGREGOR: He’s written a book on his travels in a motor home following the NASCAR circuit entitled Sunday Money. There are 36 races a year in NASCAR and in that time, you can bet there is enough material for a couple books. NASCAR opens in Daytona in early February. You can find 10,000 motor homes at the race, and they start arriving in November. It’s not all fun and games, though. Jeff rode the RV with his wife and living in such tight quarters can put a strain on the best of marriages. Just ask any couple livin! g in a Manhattan apartment. One spat resulted in an angry Jeff storming out of the RV in a huff. Only then he realized he had no place to go; the wife had the house and the car. Is Jeff a big fan of NASCAR? Says Jeff, “I’m as big a NASCAR fan as the next guy, if the next guy happens to be George Balanchine.” Huh? Not till I Googled “George Balanchine” did I truly get the joke. I was somewhat familiar with the name but using it in a NASCAR context made me look in the wrong direction and therefore miss the reference. Now I enjoy the line more than before. (Look it up. What, you’re expecting me to do your work?)

The book, entitled Sunday Money, has lots of stories sure to bring a smile. Last summer I read a similar book about an author’s journey by RV through a season of Alabama football, entitled “Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer” by Warren St. John. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of the “Roll Tide” RVers do the NASCAR thing during the spring and summer. Not a bad way to retire.

And that was our show for Tuesday April 26, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

My girls had a sleep-over the other night. The next morning, four 9-year-old girls were talking about something they saw on television the night before: Mothman. I tried to listen in the best I could. Snooping. Apparently, there is a scary mothman somewhere and the girls think the government is involved. Somehow bad chemicals got mixed up with an experiment and the result was mothman. At least that’s what the girls are thinking. Hmmm, a government cover-up perhaps? One says “I think the government is up to something.” The others agree that that’s a possibility. My Dominique adds, “It could be. You know, the government once put Japanese people in camps during World War 2.” I have to admit I was a bit impressed with my Dom. The schools are doing a good job, I thought. Wanting to gauge what else the schools were teaching, I asked Dominique, “Do you know what happened at Pearl Harbor?? ? Her one word answer: “No.” Lah dee dah.

Here’s something that’s been bothering me: bedspreads. Is a bedspread really necessary? Why can’t we just have a nice blanket on the bed? A bedspread has no real use. It just lays there to look pretty. And no one sees it except for you and your spouse. Before going to bed, I have to take the bedspread off and put it on the rack. Then I have to move the bedspread pillows and place them by the rack. My wife loves the bedspre! ad. At the end of the day, I’m beat; I’m tired; I want to flop into bed; I’ve been going all day. Then I see the bedspread. “Oh, great,” I say, “one more chore before going to bed.”

Pope Benedict XVI said he felt like a guillotine was coming down on him when it appeared he might be elected Pope. Coincidentally, back in 1793 when Marie Antoinette was about to executed by the guillotine, she said “It feels like I’m about to become Pope.”

The National Hockey League is considering using replacement players next year if an agreement cannot be reached with the Players Association. New York Ranger hockey fans should not expect to see a drop in level of play.

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
April 26, 1935 – Frank Boucher is given the NHL’s Lady Bing Trophy for sportsmanship permanently for winning it for the 7th time in 11 years.
AND
April 26, 1975 – The New York Islanders defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins 1-0 to win the playoff series in 7 games after being down 3 games to 0.

WAHOO CORRECTION: Yesterday for This Date in NHL Hockey History, I typed:

“April 25, 1985 – For the 2nd time, Wayne Gretzky scores 7 goals in a Stanley Cup game.”

This is the bad piece of info I stole.

25/04/1985 - For 2nd time, Wayne Gretzky, scores 7 goals in a Cup game