Dave opens with how he enjoys a good cigar now and then.   Nothing beats it.   But since he had that massive heart attack 5 years ago that left him in a coma for 3 months, he’s not allowed to have one.   Or so he says.

I used to like a cigar every now and then, up until every preppy-pretender in Bermuda shorts started to light up.   Then I put it on hold.   It may be time to return to my 4 cigars a year.

Last week at a Wendy’s, a women customer found a finger in her chili.   Dave admits that finding a finger in your chili could ruin your appetite.   Me, I would think if you were going to find a finger in your food, it would be the French Fries.   This incident was the inspiration for tonight’s piece of comedy, “What’s In The Chili?”   We head over to Rupert’s Hello Deli.   Dave and Rupert make the small talk.

Dave asks, “Ever smoke a cigar?”   Rupert says he hasn’t.  Dave lauds the leafed smoke, saying it leaves him “wonderfully numb.”   Dave then points out the Explod-O-Pop Popcorn at the “impulse buy” position on the counter.   Dave says it is contaminated with flavor and it is carbolicious.   After some more small chatter, Dave asks Rupert to repeat the selling points of the Explod-O-Pop Popcorn.   Rupert can’t remember.
1.  It’s contaminated with flavor
2. It’s carbolicious.

Dave offers another important in salesmanship: “Sell the sizzle, not the steak.”  

Dave explains the game.   There is a mystery item in a big bowl of Rupert’s chili.  Contestant has 30 seconds to feel around, find the item, and determine what it is.   Dave sends Rupert outside to find a contestant.  Meanwhile, we have a show to put on.  

The E! Network has been running a re-enactment of the Michael Jackson trial, since cameras are not allowed into the courtroom.  They get the transcripts of the trial, then put it to performance.  Unfortunately, Michael Jackson will not take the stand so the actor portraying Michael Jackson has nothing to do but sit there.   With this in mind, we put something together called “Michael Jackson Trial Re-Enactment Highlights  

There is a technology boom in Afghanistan, the likes that will reshape the nation.   Theirs is already a commercial running on Afghan TV that reflects the new direction.

“Hey, Afghans!  Be sure to head on down to the new Circuit City opening up in the Woodhaven Mall in Kabul.   You’ll find great deals on high-definition sand, cordless turbans, and Apple’s brand new i-Goat!  And don’t forget, attending the Grand Opening will be Afghan leader Masood Jalal . . . .  and former New York Jet great Joe Klecko.   So come on down today!   Tajiks not allowed.”

Rupert has his contestant; Carol Kenner of Melbourne Beach, Florida.   She’s a nursing student who hasn’t yet learned what a Foley catheter is.   Dave suggests that Rupert give her some Explod-O-Pop Popcorn.  Rupert quickly responds.   “And what else” Dave advises?   Rupert is a bit confused, then it dawns on him that Dave wants Rupert to give the two Explod-O-Pop selling points:
1. It's contaminated with flavor
2. It’s carbolicious

Dave instructs to Carol what she needs to do.  Buried deep inside the tub of chili is a mystery item.   Carol must feel through the chili, find the item, and without taking it out, determine what the item is.    Carol slowly rolls up her sleeve, making an onion-like face in the process.   Dave tells Carol, “Get used to this . . .  being a nurse.”

Alan, what is tonight’s item?   Alan whispers, “It’s a Norelco electric razor.”

And what are we playing for?  “Dave, it’s a Black & Deck er Toast-R-Oven Countertop Oven Broiler!” 

OK, Carol has 30 seconds to do what she needs to do.   Carol starts to feel around the bucket of chili and soon finds the item.  Can she tell what it is?   Carol says “it feels like some kind of blade device.”   Oooohhhh, close.  Tell us more!    She continues, “. . . . . like an electric razor.”   DING DING DING DING DING!  We have a winner!   Carol wins the Black & Decker Toast-R-Oven Countertop Oven Broiler and a Hello Deli deli platter.   Congratulations, Carol!  

TOP TEN: Ways Airlines Are Cutting Back – In response to rising costs, Airlines are cutting back on expenses, such as:
- curtailing their food service
- reducing seating capacity to better fuel efficiency
- eliminating pillows
- charging more for alcoholic beverages
#9. Ticket agents urging travelers to stay home
#6. Instead of complimentary pillows, wadded-up clothing pulled out of checked luggage
#3. I don’t know, but how hard is it to open them peanuts, am I right, people?
#2. In case of water landing, your only flotation device is the fat guy in 16F  

During the Top Ten, after a somewhat tepid response, Dave says for no apparent reason, “Did someone say ‘Tasty’?”   It’s something he often says to Harry when feeding.   Something else he says: “Did someone say ‘buzzoingee’?”

BRITTANY MURPHY: How was Easter?  Brittany says she usually goes to Easter Mass but this year she went out with friends and got involved with decorating the Easter eggs with dye, sparkles, feathers, and things.   It went on to 5:00 AM.   I’m guessing Mass missed out.  Just as well.  The seat she would have taken up probably went to an old lady who goes every Sunday.

As a kid, Brittany snuck into an annual Easter Egg Hunt at a nearby upper-crust township in Jersey.   They had a great Easter Egg Hunt, reserved for town residents who called ahead.   She and h! er mom went one year and pretended to have called ahead.  When not found on the list, Brittany lamented softly, “Oh, Easter is ruined.”  Taking pity, the guy with the clipboard let them in.   This worked for 10 years. 

I scratched my head wondering what town this could be.   I decided, without doing any fact checking or research, that the town in New Jersey she was speaking about was Spring Lake.   I used to drive through Spring Lake when I went to the shore.   It was odd to breathe in such rich air.

Does she do stuff like that now; fooling, lying, or cheating to get something?  She says she can’t resist a dare and not too long ago she was put up to a “triple dog dare.”   While at a bowling alley, she ran down the lane and touched one of the pins.   Just as she was about to touch the pin, the huge metal thing that picks up the pins came down on her.  Ouch.   That’s gotta hurt.  Somebody must have rolled the bowling ball down the alley seconds before she reached down to touch the pin.

Brittany stars in the upcoming film, Sin City.   She play! s Shelly, a barmaid with a heart of gold.   I’ve found that pretty barmaids only pretend to have a heart of gold for the tips.

Sin City – it opens Friday.  

BOB SARLATTE: It’s Bay Area Bob!   Bob is a sports announcer/P.A. announcer/sports fan out of San Francisco and a longtime friend of the show.   His San Francisco Giants are the oldest team in baseball.   Their hitting is fine.  So is their pitching.  Their main concern is irregularity.   Players will get a bonus if they survive the season.  Their names will be stitched on the back of their uniform just in case they forget who they are.

Is Barry Bonds gooned on the juice?   Don’t know, not saying.

How ‘bout the NCAAs?   Bob loves this time of year.   He really got charged up with Vermont defeating Syracuse in the first round.   And who is Vermont?   Bob thinks they should be called the Vermont Fighting White Guys.  Their mascot would be an 8-foot insurance salesman.    The last-second 3-point shot in the Kentucky game was analyzed more than the Zabruder film.   And an attaboy and shout-out to Bob’s  7th grade CYO champion basketball team.    

ACT 5: It’s Carol Kenner and the girls at Rupert’s Hello Deli.    

THE JOHN BUTLER TRIO: Making their network television debut, from their new CD, Sunrise Over Sea, the very popular band from Australia performed, “Zebra.”    I don’t know music, but I know these guys were good.   I could tell they knew how to play their instruments.  Nice job.  I’ll be looking and listening for more.  

And that was our show for Tuesday March 29, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

Here’s a suggestion.  If you’re in the city on Wednesday, don’t buy the chili at Rupert’s.

This morning, back in the office kitchen on our floor were 3 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.   They sat there unopened for one, two, three hours.   The urge eventually became too much and so around 1:00 I decided to open the Tagalongs, a chocolate-covered peanut butter patty-like cookie.   I took 3.   After nearly 4 hours of the Tagalongs sitting there untouched, I took 3 cookies and left the 17 remaining.   I went back to my desk to do some work and to munch on the delight.   Ten minutes later, the pang of desire returned.   I wanted another Tagalong so I pretended I had something to do in the kitchen.   I went back there and  . . . . the box of Tagalongs was empty!   For four hours, nothing.   The box wasn’t touched.   Then I opened a box of Tagalongs and within 10 minutes they were gone.   Everybody was just waiting for somebody to break the seal.  Once opened, it was open game.

It’s 4:00 right now and the other two boxes are still there, unopened.   I’ll be checking in throughout the day.

Bad news this weekend.   Sweden defeated the women’s’ USA curling team in the finals of the World  Women’s Curling Championships in Paisley, Scotland.   Drug tests are yet to be determined.  

WAHOO CORRECTION – Regarding “Pat and Kenny Reads Oprah Transcripts.” From a Wahoo reader named Pete:

“You mentioned in today's gazette:
‘As I said before, I'm not sure what makes this so funny. It's simply Pat and Kenny reading from the Oprah transcripts. It sort of reminds me of a similar piece originated on Jane Pauley's new talk show. Jane Pauley would get up in front of a podium and, all stoic and serious-like, read from actual Rock and Roll lyrics.’

I have been entertaining friends and family at dinner parties with this bit for years.  My favorite 'poem' to use is Snoop Dogg's ‘What's my Name’.  Jane Pauley or I did not originate this bit.  Steve Allen did it years ago on his show- I saw a clip of him deeply intoning the poetry of Little Richard-  ‘Tutti Frutti, aw, rootie....  A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop... a-lop bamboo.’

He also used to do this it on the Carson show.  Please give Steve the credit.  He was great and his contributions to comedy are largely forgotten.”

THIS DATE IN NHL HOCKEY HISTORY
March 29, 1989 – The 1st Soviet hockey players are permitted to play for the NHL.